Dealing With Difficult People

Is it just me or do you think certain people should have a “caution” sticker visible to everyone who may have to deal with them?

Let’s face it people can be difficult.  Difficult doesn’t mean people with character or ethical issues; we know how to deal with those folks. I’m not talking about people who are toxic and are creating a toxic environment, you get those folks off the team and out of the organization as quickly as possible.  Difficult simply means you have a hard time interacting with them due to personality differences.  Maybe they are contrarians, overly demanding, or naturally negative (that is my list but you have your own).  They are often valuable contributors to the team/organization so you need to learn to work with them.  If it makes you feel any better, they probably see you as difficult to work with so you have at least one thing in common.

When I find myself working with someone who is a bit difficult, I like to remind myself that there are problems to solve and tensions to manage.  People are not problems that we need to “solve”, but difficult people create tension that does need to be managed. So, the first key to dealing with difficult people is to understand the goal.  The goal of leadership is not to change people, it’s to help them be the best they can be.

People are not problems that we need to “solve”, but difficult people create tension that does need to be managed.

You have to lead one before you can lead others and the one you start with is yourself.  When you know that you are going to interact with a difficult person be proactive.  Prepare ahead of time, if they like to overwhelm you with facts make sure you have your facts straight before the meeting.  Difficult people can get into your head and gain a hold onto your emotions so make sure your head and heart are both in a good place before you meet.

When I was in seminary I kept hearing the same phrase in a variety of settings, “it’s important to be a non-anxious presence.”  Yeah, you’ve heard it too. But what does it mean?  I think it’s about not responding emotionally when the person “triggers” you.  That means knowing ahead of time how that person can trigger you and coming up with a strategy when it comes.  Perhaps you will take a deep breath or pause to collect your thoughts, or tap your leg under the table, but have a plan. 

The absolute worst thing you can do is match behavior. Difficult people are difficult for us because they throw us off balance, and it’s easy to overcorrect and match their tone and tenor.  When you do this, you have let them set the tone instead of you.

It is a trademark of Christian ethics to do the unexpected.  Jesus tells us to love our enemies.  Paul implores us throughout Romans 12 to return good for evil.

•  Romans 12:17, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil.”
• Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.” —Romans 12:14
• “…if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head” (Romans 12:20

This last verse I’ve heard interpreted to mean that by showing kindness to your enemies, even when they don’t deserve it, you may cause them to feel shame and remorse, potentially leading to repentance and a change of heart. Perhaps but that seems incredibly self-righteous to me.   Perhaps he was referring to the community practice of taking one of the coals from your fire and putting it in the pot of your neighbor whose fire has gone out so that he can relight his fire. It was a community expectation that you would so help your neighbor in need. Likewise, the expectation for the follower of Jesus is that they will return good for evil.

We Methodist have this practice called Holy Conferencing and Wesley believed it to be a means of grace (a way to grow your faith and connection with God).  Without getting into the weeds of all that is involved in that practice let me give you some personal takeaways from my experience with it.

Start with the End Goal in Mind

Decide that the goal is not to win something.  Leaders are not here to convince, convict, or control someone.  The win should be that the difficult person succeeds.  You are not there to be right but to get it right.  Here are three questions I like to ask myself to keep the end goal in mind:

a) What goal are you trying to accomplish?

b) How do you want people to say you handled that situation?

c) What is required of you to make this happen?

Listen to Understand Not React

Show that you really care about their concerns by practicing active listening. This means making eye contact, nodding, and even repeating back what they’ve said to make sure you get their point of view. This can help calm the situation and show that you value what they’re saying.

Once you understand the problem and the other person’s point of view you can try to steer the conversation towards finding a solution. Ask them what they need or suggest possible ways to resolve the issue. Working together on a solution can make both parties feel more satisfied and less defensive.

Let Go of “Your Stuff”

I want to be clear that you understand the importance of boundaries in your interactions. Setting clear boundaries is a must to protect your own well-being. Let the person know what behavior is not okay and what the consequences will be if they cross those lines. Be firm but respectful when you communicate this. You do not have to accept bad behavior. Clarity is kindness so be both clear and kind.

Remember, if you’re reacting, you’re not leading. So, release whatever you may be holding against this person. When you hold onto things, they build up over time and will come out as an overreaction to a small mistake, causing more damage than good. On the other hand, when you believe the best about this person instead of expecting the worst, you give them the space to reach their maximum potential. If they don’t believe you are for them and their success, they likely won’t deliver the results you need.

If you are reacting you’re not leading.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION OR TEAM DISCUSSION

1. Why do you think you or your team might react emotionally rather than thoughtfully in an interaction?

2. What are some common traits of people you find hard to work with or who are difficult to work with in your organization?

3. How can you prepare yourself to engage with each of the traits you may encounter?

4. Have you ever been a difficult person for someone else to lead? What can you learn from that?

5. What steps can you take to proactively manage your emotions before engaging with difficult people?

6. Can you think of a past situation where being honest, direct, and kind would have led to a better outcome?