Be Realistic About Relationships in the Church w/o Becoming a Porcupine

I recently came upon a great quote from Steven Lawson, “Some preachers are like porcupines.  They have some good points, but they are hard to get close to.” It’s one of those memorable quotes that sticks with you (pun intended) but also hurts a little.

Sometimes we pastors struggle getting close to folks because we know we will be together for just a time.  We don’t know how long but we know it will not be a lifetime.  It makes us reluctant to invest in relationships that we know will have to be shut down in a matter of a few years.  When you leave an appointment you are told not to have any contact with anyone or come back to the area for anything ministry related for a year (funerals, weddings, etc.).  You are encouraged to cut the ties with past relationships and move on to the new ones in your new ministry setting.  The advice has great wisdom at one level but it also makes for potentially a very lonely way of life.  I confess that as my years grew in ministry (and appointments) I found myself more reluctant to develop close relationships with folks for that very reason.

So, it shouldn’t surprise us that a significant percentage of pastors experience loneliness and isolation, with some reports indicating a rise in these feelings compared to previous years.  Barna’s historical data show that 42% of pastors have feelings of loneliness and isolation either frequently or sometimes in 2015 and now those feelings are felt by 65% of pastors.  Unsurprisingly, 38% of pastors have considered quitting full-time ministry in the last year (Barna Research Group).  Another study on the state of pastors in 2024 authored by the National Christian Foundation found that not only have one-third considered quitting this last year but fully 60% had significantly doubted their calling.

42% of pastors have feelings of loneliness and isolation either frequently or sometimes in 2015 and now those feelings are felt by 65% of pastors.  Unsurprisingly, 38% of pastors have considered quitting full-time ministry in the last year .

Barna research group

Another wise pastor suggested to me early in my ministry to connect with other pastors to fill that “friendship gap” in our lives.  It makes sense, who better understands the pastorate better than another pastor?  However, I’ve had many colleagues tell me that it is fraught with peril.  They are afraid to really open up to another pastor for fear of the information being used against them in the future.  I’ve had more than one pastor share with me that when their buddy became a District Superintendent their whole relationship changed because of the change in roles.  Then there is the fear of being judged by that fellow pastor if you share a weakness of any kind with them.  Pastors are judgey (who knew)? 

But even more common is the simple problem of time.  Ministry is 24/7 and finding time for sabbath is difficult for many pastors much less building friendships with other pastors.  So, how do busy pastors find time in their schedules to be together and support one another?  The answer is, for the most part, they don’t.  The Michigan Conference has tried hard to encourage it over the years.  When I started in ministry we had ministry circles that were geographic in nature and were encouraged to get together to support one another and share best practices.  Branches have just launched as a new version of the same idea. The Conference deserves credit for encouraging connections and cooperation.  I’ve been in ministry for forty years and built some good friendships over the years but it has taken a lot of effort and tended to happen organically but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t encourage things like “branches.”

Pastors tend to be idealistic.  Perhaps part of our struggle is that we are too idealistic or unrealistic about church relationships.  Afterall, we have friends for different things.  Some friends we have fun with and some we share an interest with them.  We have friends that we share the same chapter of life with maybe your retired or have children the same age, newly married, just divorced, empty nesters but you share the same season of life and that is enough to begin a friendship.  Then we have life-long friends who you have both time and experience with through the seasons of your life.  I have always been envious of people who have childhood friends all the way through their retirement years.  Life-long friends are truly gifts from God, but they are the exception and not the rule.  Then we have our work friends who we know and develop relationships with because we share the same building, or office, and therefore spend a lot of time together.  It is not unusual for us to spend more time with our workmates then we do the mate we’re married to or anyone else for that matter. For those of us who work in the church they are our staffs, committees, teams, and congregants that you get to know over time.

We know how important and powerful relationships are to our emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being.  In the church biz relationships will make or break you.  A pastor’s ability to develop friendships in the congregation and community are key to helping people and the church you serve prosper.  Expecting any one or two people in your life to meet all your needs or expectations is a recipe for failure.  If you feel like you are becoming a bit of a porcupine ask yourself if you have these five relationship types I mentioned in the last paragraph.  If not, build into your life, time to develop all five of the relationship types.  If you can build those people into your life you will be well on your way to avoiding some of the negative emotions tied to the pastorate in today’s world.  It takes a group of friends to keep us healthy and resilient.

There is one last thing I am convinced every pastor needs to avoid being so “prickly”.  Every leader needs a coach, a mentor, someone they can speak with on a regular basis just to “detox” from ministry.  My spouse has played that role way too often in my own life and it has tarnished her view of the church somewhat. There have been times when a professional counselor and/or therapist has been very helpful for me over the years.  Those of us who live and work in the Michigan Conference are lucky to have access to trained Clergy Coaches free of charge if you meet some minimal requirements.  A recent Barna study reported that fully 65% of pastors have taken advantage of none of these professionals in their careers.

Don’t be that prickly pastor who makes some good points but is hard to get close to.  When you have a support team of various friends and a good coach in your corner you can be vulnerable, make friends in your work environment, and stay strong and resilient at the same time.